Things Not To Do At Movie Theaters

Apparently, we need a refresher on how to behave when watching a movie in public.

Folks - it's not the same as when you're at home, okay?

1) Cellphones.For all that is holy, put it away.  Got that?  Put.  It.  Away.  I don't care if you're checking a quick text message. The theater is dark and that bright screen is searing my retinas.  If it's that important, go outside.  Oh.  And if you forgot to put your phone on silent...you will be flogged.  And humiliated.

2) Keep Your Shoes On.  Good God, man, I do not need to see and/or smell that.  Especially if you're sitting next to me.  Look, I get the need to feel comfortable.  I do.  However...if you can't go for about 2 hours or so without taking off your shoes - that is a serious problem my friend.  One that should be addressed.  Immediately.

3.) Sit Still.  This is only exempt if I am at Pikachu Meets My Little Ponys At Disneyworld On A Magical Rainbow Of Bubbles And Candy.  At that point I can expect to be surrounded by a gazillion hyper, sugar fueled children.  If I am sitting in a theater waiting to watch a non-children movie, sit still.  Don't mimic the horses galloping by pretending you're riding one.  I don't care if you're 12, your parents should have taught you how to behave in public.

4.) Open Your Snacks BEFORE The Movie Starts.  Okay.  So this one isn't  a crime so much as a courtesy.  I know it's not your fault that they have sealed your chocolate covered cheese doodles in the world's loudest plastic.  But you are aware of this when every time you move the damn bag it breaks the sound barrier several times.  Just do everyone a favor, and open it beforehand.

Please, keep all of this in mind.  And, if you don't, do not be surprised if my foot goes through the back of your chair next time you're at the multiplex.  You've been warned.