Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Battle: Dressing Room

I'm going on vacation soon, so I thought it might be nice to pick up a few new things.  Especially since I'm going to fan fair (excuse me...CMA Music Festival) and it's going to be hot and all outside.

Wondering through the racks of clothes, I see very little that I like.  Everything is covered in ruffles.  I am not a ruffle girl.  But, regardless, I find a couple things that I think are cute.  I grab a few different sizes and head over to the dressing rooms...which are closed for cleaning.  Fabulous.  Because I want to walk farther to find the portals of hell.

I mosey on over to the other dressing rooms in the store, make sure that the door is locked, and set up the dressing room.  I don't know about you, but I get disappointed if it has less than three hooks.  At lease one for "yes', "no", and "not yet tried on".  This one had two.  Off to a fantastic start!

Standing back, I look at the clothes and try and decide how much I hate myself.  I decide that full on self loathing is the way to start and grab a pair of capris.

Slowly, I slide in front of the mirror and....GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!

Except I was not doing a merry little jig.
Okay, I say to myself, Let's start with the positive.  They're the right length.  And you can breath.  And they're coming off right now.

I put them back on the hanger and throw them on the bench - aka the "Hell No pile".

I reach for the other pair of capris because, my friends, I really hate myself.  I put them on and stand in front of the mirror.

These, Ladies and Gentlemen, are what my legs resembled.
Jesus Christ!  What is wrong with me?  Capris, Amanda?  Seriously? 

I shimmy out of those in a big, big hurry.  Okay.  Time to grab the dress I picked up.  It's purple and loose and should pose no immediate problems...
Honestly?  I wasn't even surprised at this point.
Good God in Heaven!  Are those...my hips?  That is fantastic color on me though...

Moving on.

I reach for a halter top.  Now.  In this universe, this should be adorable on me.  It has the right cut, the seams are all in the right places.  Maybe, maybe, this will be my salvation.  Not paying any attention, I grab the smaller of the two.

Big mistake.  Big.  Huge.

I put it on and notice that it's a little...snug.  And that someone has zipped part of its belt into itself.  Fan-freaking-fabulous.  I wrestle it down, tie it behind my neck try to zip it down and...no.  It's not happening.  This just keeps getting better and better!  Alrighty.  Time to take this monstrosity off.

Just unzip this, untie that and voila...it's not moving.  Fine.  Don't freak out, I tell myself, You got yourself in this, it has to come off.

Gathering myself, I hold one arm straight up and use the other arm to jerk it up.  It moves, maybe, a fraction of a millimeter if I'm being generous.  Perhaps, I reason, maybe I should stick my arms inside the shirt and try to shrug it off that way.  I discover that, no, no this is not way this should be done.  Because now - now I resemble Gus from Cinderella.
Only, I wasn't nearly so adorable

I am now frantically praying that parts of my anatomy will shrink to a more prepubescent stage.  Finally, through a combination of twisting, turning, and sheer will I force the stupid thing off.

I don't even want to try on the larger size.

I walk out, put the clothes on the helpful rack (supposedly) by the exit.

And promptly walk into another dressing room.

I hate trying on clothes.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Swimming Pools

So, last night, my best friend came over.  We were planning our vacation and picking out a hotel to stay in for two nights.  As we were going through our hotel selections (which were slim pickens...hoo boy) she was nervous that we might stay in a not so safe area especially since we didn't know the area that well.

"Let's take a look at the pools."

"Why?  Even if it's in a crappy area it could still have a pool."

"I want to see if it's an outside pool or not."

"Are you planning on swimming?"


"Then why are you looking?"

"Because I figure if it's an area that you're likely to get shot in, they won't have an outdoor pool."


"Because," I paused, "it would be like shooting fish in a barrel."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

25 Things I Learned In 25 Years

So, I had my birthday on Saturday.  It was my 25th birthday, as a matter of fact.  In honor of that, I've compiled a list of things I've learned in these 25 years I've spent on the planet.

Without further ado:

1.) That pan that you have in the 500 degree oven really is as hot as you think it is.

2.) If all else fails, turn on Eric Clapton.

3.) Sometimes, clutching your favorite stuffed animal and having a good cry is the only solution.

4.) In the immortal words of my best friend Amy, "We may not be able to drink the pain away, but we can sure as hell numb it."  Especially true when accompanied by a bottle of wine.

5.) People who consider themselves cultural elitists (aka those whose opinion on music/movies/TV is far superior to yours) are closed minded jerks who are missing the true point.  As long as it makes you feel something and brings you joy how can that be bad?

6.) Chocolate can solve all the world's problems.

7.) No matter how big a deal you make out of the major moments in life, the things you'll remember most are the little things.

8.) Nothing beats a midnight run to McDonald's for sweet tea and fries.

9.) Having your heart shattered to bits sucks.

10.) Always make time for shoe shopping.

11.) Bullies are a way of helping you realize your inner strength.

12.) Never try to explain migraines to someone who has never had one.  They think they're just really bad headaches.  They're not.

13.) Find a place (or places) on the planet that you love.  They make bad days/moments/weeks/months/years better knowing that they exist.

14.) Laugh, for chrissakes.

15.) Have a favorite movie.

16.) Listen.

17.) When the world is closing in and you feel like it can't get better: go for a drive.  Turn the radio up as loud as it can go and roll the windows down.  And drive.  Fast.

18.) Always have a favorite baseball team (go Cubs!).

19.) Be able to talk about sports.  Intelligently.  Same goes for politics and current events.

20.) Have fun, dammit.

21.) Donate as much as you can to causes you believe in.

22.) Having a pet makes a new place finally feel like home.

23.) Never underestimate a good creme brulee.

24.) Working with people you get along with is more important than people give it credit for.

25.) Keep discovering who you are.