Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: Rules to Follow

So, I took an unplanned hiatus.

What?  Don't look at me that way.  You've done it too.

As has been no secret, I work in retail.  And I have been trying to spread the word of how to act in a retail setting since so many people seem to forget basic things.  Like manners.  And intelligence.  Now, I' not saying that all people act this way because I know that not everyone does.  So, if you know somebody behaving this way quietly point out the error in their ways.  Trust me - every retail person in a 30 mile radius will thank you.

Rule 1:  The store is not your ATM.  If all you have is $100 bills, don't break them on a purchase around $15.  I don't think you're hot stuff for having them.  I think you're an enormous PITA (Pain In The Ass) because now I have 10 singles and a drawer full of change for the next person.  If you want smaller bills I'm sure the bank would be more than happy to oblige you.

Rule 2:  Know the store hours.  If you're not sure, call.  Or check the internet.  Do NOT come in 5 minutes before we close just to browse.  Or if you have a giant list.  Trust me.  I can make your shopping experience delightful or a living nightmare.  If you come in 2 seconds before we close just to browse only to tell 20 minutes later that you have a honking huge list, I will not be nice.  Nor will any of my coworkers.  And, rest assured, we will talk about you when you leave.

Rule 3: Trust me.  Seriously, folks.  I'm not trying to undermine you.  If I do, you'll figure it out, tell your friends, and never come back.  Which means that I eventually will be out of a job.  I don't want this.  I understand that you're being cautious, but when you are clearly doubting everything I am saying it's irritating.  On a related noted: I also know the product line better than you ever will so don't tell me that I'm wrong when I tell you that we never carried that product.  If you don't believe me, ask me to name our current product line.  If you have 20 minutes to spare, I can do it.  Most likely alphabetically.

Rule 4: This is not your store.  Do not go through our stuff.  Use our computer.  Go upstairs.  Go in the back.  Stand behind the register.  Come in the back door.  Set your children on our counters.  You would think this would be self explanatory, but no.

Rule 5:  Use your words.  Look, I get that our product line is exhaustive and overwhelming.  I'm even willing (and happy) to help you find something.  However, when you ask me a question like this:

 "I'm looking for something...I mean I saw on Oprah...Well, actually, Dr. Oz said that we should...No, wait, it was on the Food Network...Anyway, I think it was red...or was yellow like turmeric, but it wasn't turmeric...anyway I heard that it was good for me and my daughter Jane really likes to cook and she used to be a vegetarian but she's eating meat again and just moved in with her boyfriend who really likes to cook and is originally from Kentucky but has lived here for the past 5 years and I think they're going to get married so I wanted to get her something that's good on chicken."

Yes, friends, I have had actual questions like that.  Please.  I don't mind your personal stories - I really don't.  In fact when I'm getting your stuff for you or ringing you out, they're nice.  But if I'm on the phone with you or I haven't even helped you find something yet, ask me the question first.  Then share the story.  We'll both be a lot happier.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How You Can Irritate Me Immediately

So, it's a busy day at work a couple days ago.  I'm out in the front of the store and the phone rings.  Naturally, I answer it.

"Store Where I Work, this is Amanda.  How may I help you?"

"Yes, I just have a simple question.  Do you have sweet paprika?"  Now, I should have had a clue here that this was not going to be "simple".  Nobody prefaces a simple question with saying it's simple.


"Yes.  I have Hungarian sweet, California sweet, and Spanish smoked sweet."

"How much is it?"

"Well, that depends on how much you get."

"I want about a cup's worth."

"Alright, that will be about $8."

"Okay.  Is it cheaper if I don't get in the jar?"

"Yeah, I can put it in a plastic bag.  It'll be $1.75 less."

"But you don't have a bag I can put it in?"

For a brief second I pull the phone away from ear and look at the phone, blinking.  "Well, I can put it in a jar but, as I said, that is more expensive."

"I understand that.  So you can't put it in a bag."

"I can, it's a plastic bag."  Maybe you can see where this is headed.  I couldn't.  I was purely confused.


Exasperated sigh from her, "I heard you.  So there's no bag."

I bite my tongue to avoid screaming, "I have a glass jar or a plastic bag.  It zips closed and is plastic.  They come in various sizes."

"Honey, that's called a baggie.  Say it with me: baggie."

"As I said I can put it in a bag-"

"Baggie."

"Bag.  Or a glass jar."

Loud, unnecessary sigh, "I'm trying to avoid plastic."

"I have the glass jar-"

"You don't have a paper bag to but it in."

"Not that's food grade, no."

"What if I bring in my own container?"

"Unfortunately, I can't fill something that came from outside the store.  Health department regulations."

Another LOUD sigh, "You don't even have a paper cup?"

"Not that's going to hold a cup's worth.  I have Dixie cups."

HUUUUUUUUUUUGE sigh, "FINE.  I'm just going to have to think this through and contemplate my options since you are so unwilling to help me.  Is there a manager there I can speak to?"

"Actually, ma'am, I am the manager here."

Long pause.  "Well, I'm still going to have to think this through."

And she hung up.

25 Things I Learned In 25 Years

So, I had my birthday on Saturday.  It was my 25th birthday, as a matter of fact.  In honor of that, I've compiled a list of things I've learned in these 25 years I've spent on the planet.

Without further ado:

1.) That pan that you have in the 500 degree oven really is as hot as you think it is.

2.) If all else fails, turn on Eric Clapton.

3.) Sometimes, clutching your favorite stuffed animal and having a good cry is the only solution.

4.) In the immortal words of my best friend Amy, "We may not be able to drink the pain away, but we can sure as hell numb it."  Especially true when accompanied by a bottle of wine.

5.) People who consider themselves cultural elitists (aka those whose opinion on music/movies/TV is far superior to yours) are closed minded jerks who are missing the true point.  As long as it makes you feel something and brings you joy how can that be bad?

6.) Chocolate can solve all the world's problems.

7.) No matter how big a deal you make out of the major moments in life, the things you'll remember most are the little things.

8.) Nothing beats a midnight run to McDonald's for sweet tea and fries.

9.) Having your heart shattered to bits sucks.

10.) Always make time for shoe shopping.

11.) Bullies are a way of helping you realize your inner strength.

12.) Never try to explain migraines to someone who has never had one.  They think they're just really bad headaches.  They're not.

13.) Find a place (or places) on the planet that you love.  They make bad days/moments/weeks/months/years better knowing that they exist.

14.) Laugh, for chrissakes.

15.) Have a favorite movie.

16.) Listen.

17.) When the world is closing in and you feel like it can't get better: go for a drive.  Turn the radio up as loud as it can go and roll the windows down.  And drive.  Fast.

18.) Always have a favorite baseball team (go Cubs!).

19.) Be able to talk about sports.  Intelligently.  Same goes for politics and current events.

20.) Have fun, dammit.

21.) Donate as much as you can to causes you believe in.

22.) Having a pet makes a new place finally feel like home.

23.) Never underestimate a good creme brulee.

24.) Working with people you get along with is more important than people give it credit for.

25.) Keep discovering who you are.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How NOT To Conduct Yourself On The Phone

I feel the need, periodically, to explain how not to do things.  Generally this applies to circumstances at work.  For instance, the phone.  It is shocking to me how little training people get on how to conduct a normal phone conversation.  Let me give you an example of how NOT to do this.

Phone Rings

Me: Thank you for calling the place where I work, this is Amanda.

Woman on the Phone (who I'll refer to as WotP): Yes, Amanda, what is your address?

Me: 1234 N Numerical Street in City where I work.

WotP: Oh, darn it.  My pen isn't working.  This is a brand new pen.

Me: Ah, I'm sorry.

WotP: I absolutely hate this.  A brand new pen!  And it's not even working.  Do you know how to get a pen to work?

Me:  Well, when I was in high school we always got them started by drawing on the heels of our tennis shoes. [True story - it actually works].

WotP:  Let me see if I can find a pair of tennis shoes.  I'm barefoot at the moment.  (Various sounds of woman rummaging around while I offer sympathetic smiles to my staff)  I can't find any.  Do you have any other suggestions?

Me: You could stick it to your tongue.  I've heard that's supposed to work.  I can't really recommend that...

WotP: I'm going to touch my tongues.  No, that didn't work.  I'm seriously ripping a hole in my paper trying to write so hard.  Anyway, I'm coming out tomorrow.  And I really hate to store my stuff in plastic.  How does, I mean, is there, I want to know, I mean, I guess I'm asking - how does your stuff come?

Me:  Well, we do bags and jars.  

WotP: And what's your pricing?  For, oh I don't know, your something-that's-completely-vague-and-can-apply-to-more-than-one-product for the medium quantity?

Me:  I have quite a few but (picking a random one) this one is $5.

WotP: Oh!  Is that the normal size?  Like if you go to Walmart or something and they have the rows and rows and rows of the product you sell?  And they have the screw top lids, well I guess they're flip top lids now?  You know, the jars that you buy full of the product you sell?

Me: Uh, well, I suppose...

WotP: That's a great price!  And what, uh, you know, I guess, um, makes your product so different?

Me:  We make it all fresh here.

WotP:  What do you do with all the leftover stuff?  I mean, honestly, your business can't be booming enough for it fly out the door.

Me: (resisting the urge to point out our steady 20%+ growth each quarter) Actually, it is.

WotP: Oh, well, God bless you then.  I'll be in tomorrow.

Please.  For all that is holy and good.  Don't do this on the phone.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How to Endear Yourself to No One

I'm aware that most people forget that those who help them in retail locations are people and not faceless, soulless automatons.  For that reason, I have compiled the following list of egregious errors.  If you wish to receive the best customer service please keep the following in mind in a retail situation.

1.)  If your total is less than $20 do not pay with a $100 bill.  Now I have to give you all my change and the person behind you has to wait because you're self important.  If you don't have a smaller bill, pay with a credit card.  We don't mind - seriously.

2.) If a sales associate is helping you, don't grab her.  Or him, for that matter.  I am not your slave.  Wife.  Daughter.  Girlfriend.  If you grab me - I will cease being nice to you.  Especially if you do so after I answer another customer's question and you respond my grabbing my arm and shouting, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!  You're still with me, right?"  What is this...the Stone Age?

3.) If you ordered something from us and there was a RECORD BREAKING BLIZZARD understand that we do not control UPS.  We cannot control that the package is sitting in the same city for a few days.  Don't chew us out because there was a RECORD BREAKING BLIZZARD.

4.) 9 times out of 10 I break/bend/shatter the rules for the person who is inconvenienced but nice to me.  If you're a jerk, I dig my heals in.  The ruder you are the less I bend.  Most people in retail subscribe to this theory.  Keep that in mind.

5.) Just because I work in retail does not mean I'm an idiot.  So, unless you're positive I'm in high school, keep the "Aww...you're saving up for college and going to get an education" to yourself.

6.) Don't be afraid to be proactive when looking for help.  Standing in the corner and staring at me doesn't make me want to help you.  It makes me want to run screaming the opposite direction.  It's creepy.

7.)  Don't just grunt when we say "thank you" (or something along those lines).  We really mean it - without you we don't have jobs.  And if we say "have a nice day" we mean it.  Unless it's a big box store and is something they have to say.  In that case, if they add something extra - acknowledge it.

8.)  Be nice to us.  We do talk about you as soon as you leave.  If you're super nice - we want everyone to know so you get great service.  If you make us want to bash our head's in with a car door, we want our coworkers to know about it as well!

9.)  Watch.  Your.  Children.  Nothing induces a migraine faster than a store full of customers and three rambunctious small children running around and moving our product around.

10.)  Don't ask for something to be custom made and then bark at as at the last minute that you need it super quick because you have to be somewhere 10 minutes ago.  Pick something already made.  We'll work as fast as we can, but it's going to take as long as it's going to take.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail - January 3, 2011

Where I work we have online customers, in store customers, and phone customers.  Generally speaking, the phone customers are the largest pains in the ass.  Sometimes the in store customers are but, by and large it's the phone customers.

Nowhere is this more true than one particular gentleman who calls from the West Coast (I shall refer to him as WC for the remainder of the post).

It was just your normal, average Monday after the the holidays.  Kinda slow, regular (i.e. intelligent) customers, and no ranting emails from anybody.  Nice.

And then the phone rang.

I felt my throat tighten up when I saw the caller ID "Private Caller".  I knew that it could only be WC.  I groaned.  I contemplated running out the front door and never coming back.  I thought about pretending that I didn't hear the phone ring.  But I answered it.

It takes 5 minutes for lovely WC to get to his first item.  We talk in circles about whether he wants a 4 oz bulk bag or a half cup refill (and, no - they're not the same thing).  I explain, several times, that one is by weight the other by volume.  He says, "I want a 4 oz refill bag".  I say, "Okay, so that's a half cup refill, right?"  "No.  A 4  oz refill."  "Right.  So a 4 oz bulk bag then, yes?"  "As long as it's the 4 oz refill bag."

By the way - you really have to hear his nasally, drawn out voice.  It totally makes the phone call.

Finally, we get to an agreement about the bag.  Then he asks about star anise.  I explain that it's used in Oriental cooking.  He then asks me to explain it's savoriness.

No, folks - I'm not kidding.

I pause and he, sensing my confusion and seething rage, asks to explain the differences between it and clove.  Um...everything?  Anyway, after painstakingly going through the pros and cons of star anise vs clove in cabbage and beet stir fry he decides to go with cloves.

And that, my friends, is about 15 minutes of my life that I'm never going to get back.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail

I work at a retail store in the historic shopping district of a small-ish town.  It's popular with all sorts of people: tourists, people with more money than sense, rude people, smart people, nice people, idiots, etc.  This can lead to some interesting stories.  Some stick out more than others.  This is one of my favorite exchanges of the day:

"So, if I don't see a jar of something...do you not have it?"
"Uh, no.  I can jar it up for you." (That's me, by the way.)
"So you'll jar it up?  In a jar, right?"
"Yeah, I'll jar it up for you."
"But that will be in a jar, right?  Because I want it in a jar.  So, you'll jar it up?"

At this point I just smile broadly and go jar it up.

Seriously.  It's not rocket science...