Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How You Can Irritate Me Immediately

So, it's a busy day at work a couple days ago.  I'm out in the front of the store and the phone rings.  Naturally, I answer it.

"Store Where I Work, this is Amanda.  How may I help you?"

"Yes, I just have a simple question.  Do you have sweet paprika?"  Now, I should have had a clue here that this was not going to be "simple".  Nobody prefaces a simple question with saying it's simple.


"Yes.  I have Hungarian sweet, California sweet, and Spanish smoked sweet."

"How much is it?"

"Well, that depends on how much you get."

"I want about a cup's worth."

"Alright, that will be about $8."

"Okay.  Is it cheaper if I don't get in the jar?"

"Yeah, I can put it in a plastic bag.  It'll be $1.75 less."

"But you don't have a bag I can put it in?"

For a brief second I pull the phone away from ear and look at the phone, blinking.  "Well, I can put it in a jar but, as I said, that is more expensive."

"I understand that.  So you can't put it in a bag."

"I can, it's a plastic bag."  Maybe you can see where this is headed.  I couldn't.  I was purely confused.


Exasperated sigh from her, "I heard you.  So there's no bag."

I bite my tongue to avoid screaming, "I have a glass jar or a plastic bag.  It zips closed and is plastic.  They come in various sizes."

"Honey, that's called a baggie.  Say it with me: baggie."

"As I said I can put it in a bag-"

"Baggie."

"Bag.  Or a glass jar."

Loud, unnecessary sigh, "I'm trying to avoid plastic."

"I have the glass jar-"

"You don't have a paper bag to but it in."

"Not that's food grade, no."

"What if I bring in my own container?"

"Unfortunately, I can't fill something that came from outside the store.  Health department regulations."

Another LOUD sigh, "You don't even have a paper cup?"

"Not that's going to hold a cup's worth.  I have Dixie cups."

HUUUUUUUUUUUGE sigh, "FINE.  I'm just going to have to think this through and contemplate my options since you are so unwilling to help me.  Is there a manager there I can speak to?"

"Actually, ma'am, I am the manager here."

Long pause.  "Well, I'm still going to have to think this through."

And she hung up.

Things Not To Do At Movie Theaters

Apparently, we need a refresher on how to behave when watching a movie in public.

Folks - it's not the same as when you're at home, okay?

1) Cellphones.For all that is holy, put it away.  Got that?  Put.  It.  Away.  I don't care if you're checking a quick text message. The theater is dark and that bright screen is searing my retinas.  If it's that important, go outside.  Oh.  And if you forgot to put your phone on silent...you will be flogged.  And humiliated.

2) Keep Your Shoes On.  Good God, man, I do not need to see and/or smell that.  Especially if you're sitting next to me.  Look, I get the need to feel comfortable.  I do.  However...if you can't go for about 2 hours or so without taking off your shoes - that is a serious problem my friend.  One that should be addressed.  Immediately.

3.) Sit Still.  This is only exempt if I am at Pikachu Meets My Little Ponys At Disneyworld On A Magical Rainbow Of Bubbles And Candy.  At that point I can expect to be surrounded by a gazillion hyper, sugar fueled children.  If I am sitting in a theater waiting to watch a non-children movie, sit still.  Don't mimic the horses galloping by pretending you're riding one.  I don't care if you're 12, your parents should have taught you how to behave in public.

4.) Open Your Snacks BEFORE The Movie Starts.  Okay.  So this one isn't  a crime so much as a courtesy.  I know it's not your fault that they have sealed your chocolate covered cheese doodles in the world's loudest plastic.  But you are aware of this when every time you move the damn bag it breaks the sound barrier several times.  Just do everyone a favor, and open it beforehand.

Please, keep all of this in mind.  And, if you don't, do not be surprised if my foot goes through the back of your chair next time you're at the multiplex.  You've been warned.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How NOT To Conduct Yourself On The Phone

I feel the need, periodically, to explain how not to do things.  Generally this applies to circumstances at work.  For instance, the phone.  It is shocking to me how little training people get on how to conduct a normal phone conversation.  Let me give you an example of how NOT to do this.

Phone Rings

Me: Thank you for calling the place where I work, this is Amanda.

Woman on the Phone (who I'll refer to as WotP): Yes, Amanda, what is your address?

Me: 1234 N Numerical Street in City where I work.

WotP: Oh, darn it.  My pen isn't working.  This is a brand new pen.

Me: Ah, I'm sorry.

WotP: I absolutely hate this.  A brand new pen!  And it's not even working.  Do you know how to get a pen to work?

Me:  Well, when I was in high school we always got them started by drawing on the heels of our tennis shoes. [True story - it actually works].

WotP:  Let me see if I can find a pair of tennis shoes.  I'm barefoot at the moment.  (Various sounds of woman rummaging around while I offer sympathetic smiles to my staff)  I can't find any.  Do you have any other suggestions?

Me: You could stick it to your tongue.  I've heard that's supposed to work.  I can't really recommend that...

WotP: I'm going to touch my tongues.  No, that didn't work.  I'm seriously ripping a hole in my paper trying to write so hard.  Anyway, I'm coming out tomorrow.  And I really hate to store my stuff in plastic.  How does, I mean, is there, I want to know, I mean, I guess I'm asking - how does your stuff come?

Me:  Well, we do bags and jars.  

WotP: And what's your pricing?  For, oh I don't know, your something-that's-completely-vague-and-can-apply-to-more-than-one-product for the medium quantity?

Me:  I have quite a few but (picking a random one) this one is $5.

WotP: Oh!  Is that the normal size?  Like if you go to Walmart or something and they have the rows and rows and rows of the product you sell?  And they have the screw top lids, well I guess they're flip top lids now?  You know, the jars that you buy full of the product you sell?

Me: Uh, well, I suppose...

WotP: That's a great price!  And what, uh, you know, I guess, um, makes your product so different?

Me:  We make it all fresh here.

WotP:  What do you do with all the leftover stuff?  I mean, honestly, your business can't be booming enough for it fly out the door.

Me: (resisting the urge to point out our steady 20%+ growth each quarter) Actually, it is.

WotP: Oh, well, God bless you then.  I'll be in tomorrow.

Please.  For all that is holy and good.  Don't do this on the phone.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail: How to Endear Yourself to No One

I'm aware that most people forget that those who help them in retail locations are people and not faceless, soulless automatons.  For that reason, I have compiled the following list of egregious errors.  If you wish to receive the best customer service please keep the following in mind in a retail situation.

1.)  If your total is less than $20 do not pay with a $100 bill.  Now I have to give you all my change and the person behind you has to wait because you're self important.  If you don't have a smaller bill, pay with a credit card.  We don't mind - seriously.

2.) If a sales associate is helping you, don't grab her.  Or him, for that matter.  I am not your slave.  Wife.  Daughter.  Girlfriend.  If you grab me - I will cease being nice to you.  Especially if you do so after I answer another customer's question and you respond my grabbing my arm and shouting, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!  You're still with me, right?"  What is this...the Stone Age?

3.) If you ordered something from us and there was a RECORD BREAKING BLIZZARD understand that we do not control UPS.  We cannot control that the package is sitting in the same city for a few days.  Don't chew us out because there was a RECORD BREAKING BLIZZARD.

4.) 9 times out of 10 I break/bend/shatter the rules for the person who is inconvenienced but nice to me.  If you're a jerk, I dig my heals in.  The ruder you are the less I bend.  Most people in retail subscribe to this theory.  Keep that in mind.

5.) Just because I work in retail does not mean I'm an idiot.  So, unless you're positive I'm in high school, keep the "Aww...you're saving up for college and going to get an education" to yourself.

6.) Don't be afraid to be proactive when looking for help.  Standing in the corner and staring at me doesn't make me want to help you.  It makes me want to run screaming the opposite direction.  It's creepy.

7.)  Don't just grunt when we say "thank you" (or something along those lines).  We really mean it - without you we don't have jobs.  And if we say "have a nice day" we mean it.  Unless it's a big box store and is something they have to say.  In that case, if they add something extra - acknowledge it.

8.)  Be nice to us.  We do talk about you as soon as you leave.  If you're super nice - we want everyone to know so you get great service.  If you make us want to bash our head's in with a car door, we want our coworkers to know about it as well!

9.)  Watch.  Your.  Children.  Nothing induces a migraine faster than a store full of customers and three rambunctious small children running around and moving our product around.

10.)  Don't ask for something to be custom made and then bark at as at the last minute that you need it super quick because you have to be somewhere 10 minutes ago.  Pick something already made.  We'll work as fast as we can, but it's going to take as long as it's going to take.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail - January 3, 2011

Where I work we have online customers, in store customers, and phone customers.  Generally speaking, the phone customers are the largest pains in the ass.  Sometimes the in store customers are but, by and large it's the phone customers.

Nowhere is this more true than one particular gentleman who calls from the West Coast (I shall refer to him as WC for the remainder of the post).

It was just your normal, average Monday after the the holidays.  Kinda slow, regular (i.e. intelligent) customers, and no ranting emails from anybody.  Nice.

And then the phone rang.

I felt my throat tighten up when I saw the caller ID "Private Caller".  I knew that it could only be WC.  I groaned.  I contemplated running out the front door and never coming back.  I thought about pretending that I didn't hear the phone ring.  But I answered it.

It takes 5 minutes for lovely WC to get to his first item.  We talk in circles about whether he wants a 4 oz bulk bag or a half cup refill (and, no - they're not the same thing).  I explain, several times, that one is by weight the other by volume.  He says, "I want a 4 oz refill bag".  I say, "Okay, so that's a half cup refill, right?"  "No.  A 4  oz refill."  "Right.  So a 4 oz bulk bag then, yes?"  "As long as it's the 4 oz refill bag."

By the way - you really have to hear his nasally, drawn out voice.  It totally makes the phone call.

Finally, we get to an agreement about the bag.  Then he asks about star anise.  I explain that it's used in Oriental cooking.  He then asks me to explain it's savoriness.

No, folks - I'm not kidding.

I pause and he, sensing my confusion and seething rage, asks to explain the differences between it and clove.  Um...everything?  Anyway, after painstakingly going through the pros and cons of star anise vs clove in cabbage and beet stir fry he decides to go with cloves.

And that, my friends, is about 15 minutes of my life that I'm never going to get back.

Marshmallows and Cat Food

So I got the brilliant idea to start taking two exercise classes: Xtend Barre and Piloxing.  They both contain elements of Pilates.  So I need a new pair of exercise pants (my clunk, long snap up Adidas pants are not going to cut it) and a pair of grippy socks.

Apparently, there is only one store in the tri-county area that sells the socks.  And only one store that sells the pants I'm looking for.  I ask you, why weren't they both in the same store?  Ah, yes.  That would make things easy.  But I'm off on a tangent.  This sidetrack brought to you by one glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Off I go to Target to purchase my socks and a few other things.  Everybody and their brother's dog is in line to check out.  Yet, there are only three registers open.  So I stand behind the person who looks the most promising.  She starts putting her stuff on the conveyor belt and it puts it into two purchases.  And she has enough coupons to fill a small school bus.  Wait.  A LARGE school bus.  I look behind me.  There's already a line.  I'm trapped.

The clerk rings up the first purchase.  And the woman scowls, "Um, something didn't ring up correctly.  It's either the marshmallows or [she was mumbling at this point, so I'm not sure - but it's safe to assume it wasn't an Ultra-Health Food]."  The clerk looks back and says, "Well, I'll have to void the payment and see what didn't qualify."  She swipes her card, "It should all qualify.  That was my food purchase."

The line behind me is growing.  People are fidgeting.

So the clerk voids it out.  Hits a few buttons and says, "Ah.  The marshmallows didn't qualify."  This does not please the woman, "They should.  They're a food item."  [Personally, I think that's up for debate.  Just sayin'.] So the clerk hits a few more buttons trying to figure out why, "The system is saying that they are acceptable for the coupon."  "Maybe it wasn't entered correctly.  You know, on your end.  Maybe you did something wrong."

Now, I've worked in retail.  I know how tough it can be.  I know there's things that are harder than most people think.  Scanning things on a conveyor belt is not one of these.  There's really not TOO much you can screw up.  But, apparently, Miss Mary Sunshine does not realize this.

So, the clerk scans the marshmallows again.  And, again, they are not valid for the coupon.  The woman starts waving the coupon, "But they're food!  And from Kraft!"

The people behind me have sent out scavengers for food.  Fires have been started to keep everybody warm.

The clerk is flustered and finally enters in some code to knock the price of the marshmallows down.  10 cents.  This woman got livid over 10 cents.  Seriously, if I had known this I would have reached into my pocket and handed her a dime.

So we get through her first purchase.  I offer the clerk a warm smile and seriously contemplate a fist pump to show solidarity.  I decide, wisely, against it.  She gets through everything and starts to scan the cat food.  The Empress speaks, "All the cat food back there is marked $1.84.  All of it.  If you have to call and send somebody back there and check, that's okay.  I'll wait."

Oh, really?  That's okay because you'll wait?  What about the rest of us, huh?  The line behind you whose population now rivals that of a 3rd World Country?  And it's cat food!  Isn't Mr. Whiskers worth the extra 5 cents?

I swear I hear the clerk whimper as she scans the cat food.  Thankfully, it comes up as $1.84.  I sincerely hope Mr.  Whiskers enjoys his Tuna Medley Surprise.  Although, between you and me, I don't want a Tuna Medley Surprise.  I don't like surprises in my tuna.

Stories from the Front Lines of Retail

I work at a retail store in the historic shopping district of a small-ish town.  It's popular with all sorts of people: tourists, people with more money than sense, rude people, smart people, nice people, idiots, etc.  This can lead to some interesting stories.  Some stick out more than others.  This is one of my favorite exchanges of the day:

"So, if I don't see a jar of something...do you not have it?"
"Uh, no.  I can jar it up for you." (That's me, by the way.)
"So you'll jar it up?  In a jar, right?"
"Yeah, I'll jar it up for you."
"But that will be in a jar, right?  Because I want it in a jar.  So, you'll jar it up?"

At this point I just smile broadly and go jar it up.

Seriously.  It's not rocket science...