Psoriasis and Me

I try not to do this.  I really don't.  It's not something I like to draw attention to, because I have spent so much of my life fighting it.  Forcing people to see me and not just my skin.  For most people, this isn't an issue.  But for me - it is.  I have had some truly horrifying experiences.  I have chronicled a few here.  Honestly, the list could go on.

But that's not my point.

This morning, I was having a lovely morning.  Contemplating what I wanted to post.  Perhaps and amusing chinchilla story or about how much I love thunderstorms.  And then I read this: http://health.yahoo.net/experts/dayinhealth/psoriasis-linked-dangerous-health-threats

Just an article detailing all of the things that can be wrong with you if you are diseased with psoriasis (which, by the way, is just a correlation NOT a causation).  That everything is doom and gloom and there is no cure.  You are as screwed up as you think you are.

Boom.  Morning shot.

For those of you who do not have psoriasis, it may not seem like any big deal.  But, let me tell you, as someone who has had it for 20+ years it was like diving head first into a cold pool of all the negative things anyone has ever said to me about my skin condition.  When I stumbled into the bathroom to put on my make up, the reflection staring back at me was not mine.  It was a woman, yes.  With dark hair, side-swept bangs.  She had my eyes.  A nose that resembled my father's.  But what stood out was her skin.

It looked alright, mostly.  Except along her hairline and beside her nose.  Places where your skin tends to dry out.  Her ears.  In these patches, the skin was a different color.  Pink.  And it made me want to know what happened to her.  That's when I realized - this was me.

Dear God.  Was this the me that people see daily?  Suddenly, I was 12 again.  Fighting the words, "Freak" and "Monster" and "Hideous".  No - I'm not kidding.  I've heard those words in regards to me.  Trust me, people are that cruel.

So I closed my eyes and shook my head.  That wasn't me.  No.  Not the girl who moved out on her own.  Decided to take guitar lessons.  Has taught herself to make some damn complicated desserts.  Can read Spanish from 1492.  Jumped into a management position with no experience.  Who graduated college.  Who had her heart broken and put it back together.  Who battled depression and won.  Who can recite both Shakespeare and George Carlin.

This woman in the mirror was a stranger, defining herself by her skin - she wasn't me.  Not the girl who decided at 16 that she would never let people see just her skin.  And those who do?  Are shallow and not worth her time.

So I opened my eyes.  And that woman in the mirror?  She was gone.

I was back.

25 Things I Learned In 25 Years

So, I had my birthday on Saturday.  It was my 25th birthday, as a matter of fact.  In honor of that, I've compiled a list of things I've learned in these 25 years I've spent on the planet.

Without further ado:

1.) That pan that you have in the 500 degree oven really is as hot as you think it is.

2.) If all else fails, turn on Eric Clapton.

3.) Sometimes, clutching your favorite stuffed animal and having a good cry is the only solution.

4.) In the immortal words of my best friend Amy, "We may not be able to drink the pain away, but we can sure as hell numb it."  Especially true when accompanied by a bottle of wine.

5.) People who consider themselves cultural elitists (aka those whose opinion on music/movies/TV is far superior to yours) are closed minded jerks who are missing the true point.  As long as it makes you feel something and brings you joy how can that be bad?

6.) Chocolate can solve all the world's problems.

7.) No matter how big a deal you make out of the major moments in life, the things you'll remember most are the little things.

8.) Nothing beats a midnight run to McDonald's for sweet tea and fries.

9.) Having your heart shattered to bits sucks.

10.) Always make time for shoe shopping.

11.) Bullies are a way of helping you realize your inner strength.

12.) Never try to explain migraines to someone who has never had one.  They think they're just really bad headaches.  They're not.

13.) Find a place (or places) on the planet that you love.  They make bad days/moments/weeks/months/years better knowing that they exist.

14.) Laugh, for chrissakes.

15.) Have a favorite movie.

16.) Listen.

17.) When the world is closing in and you feel like it can't get better: go for a drive.  Turn the radio up as loud as it can go and roll the windows down.  And drive.  Fast.

18.) Always have a favorite baseball team (go Cubs!).

19.) Be able to talk about sports.  Intelligently.  Same goes for politics and current events.

20.) Have fun, dammit.

21.) Donate as much as you can to causes you believe in.

22.) Having a pet makes a new place finally feel like home.

23.) Never underestimate a good creme brulee.

24.) Working with people you get along with is more important than people give it credit for.

25.) Keep discovering who you are.

An Open Letter to All the Idiots Who Accost Me about My Psoriasis

To Whom It May Concern:

                I am aware that I have psoriasis, okay?  I’ve lived with it since I was 4.  Seeing as I’m now 24, halfway to 25, I have become very adapted to living with it. I understand that you may have never accounted someone who looks like this.  Fortunately, I made it through public school with a skin disorder and have developed a pretty thick skin (pun intended).  What this means for you is that when you commit one of the following egregious errors I have taught myself not to violently snap your neck.  So, please, read the following list and keep them in mind when you encounter someone who you suspect may have psoriasis.

1.        What you think are innocent questions

Look, I get it.  You see me and notice that I, well, look a little different.  First of all, let me point out, that I take fantastic care of my skin.  At most it’s a few read blotches and maybe some pale patches.  Nothing extreme, for the most part I look like a normal girl in the western suburbs.  But back to my point, you notice and ask one of the following:

a.       Oh my god, is that a rash?

b.      Is that poison ivy?

c.       Honey, what did you get in to?

d.      Are you allergic to something?

I know, you’re just nosy and want to ask.  But, don’t.  Okay?  How would you feel if I walked up to you and went, “Oh, wow.  Has your nose always been that big?”  or “Have you thought about having that mole on your cheek checked out?  It’s HUGE.”

2.       “What’s wrong with you?”

Pardon me, but what’s wrong with you?  That question is insulting NO MATTER THE CONDITION.  If somebody is in a wheel chair, would you march up to them and ask?  What about an amputee?  It’s just rude and inconsiderate.

3.       Doing any of the above while I’m at work

Look, while I’m working I am only obligated to answer your questions about what is being sold in the store and ring you out.  Other than that, I do not have to answer any of your questions.  Got it?  So if you ask and I don’t respond, for the love of God, don’t keep asking.  There’s a reason I’m not answering. I find it rude, and so do my coworkers.

a.       Side note: If you find it necessary to grab my hand/arm/shoulder/etc and screech, “OH MY GOD, HONEY, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” whilst I am working and the store is full of people, I may find it necessary to douse you with a glass of water.  You have been warned.

4.       Refusing to: touch anything I have, sit next to me, shake hands, be in the same swimming pool as me AND make a huge honking deal out of it.

Seriously.  It’s not contagious.  Or AIDs.  You’re not going to die from it.  It took me a number of years to stop feeling like a freak, thank you for bringing back those fond memories.  If you don’t want to, fine.  Just don’t make a big deal out of it, okay?

5.       Misc

a.       Don’t say (as one cretin in high school did) “What the hell is that?  AIDs?”  Just a quick shout out to my health teacher who laughed at the kid and did nothing to help me out.  Thanks.  You’re my hero.

b.      When it’s first summer and I’m wearing short sleeves/shorts/dresses and my skin is a little drier and psoriasis is a tad noticeable.  The sun helps, and I haven’t had a lot of it because it’s been winter.  IN CHICAGO.  Don’t have this following exchange (yes, this really happened about 7 or 8 years ago.  To me.):

SCENE: 16 YEAR OLD GIRL, 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN.  IN LIVING ROOM, GIRL IS BABYSITTER, WOMAN IS GETTING READY TO LEAVE

                GIRL: So, you’ll be back at 2 or 3 in the morning?

                WOMAN: Yeah.  (looks at girls’ legs)  What is that?

                GIRL: Hmm? (looks down) Oh.  Psoriasis.  I’ve had it since I was 4.

                WOMAN: Wow.  That looks awful.  So you can’t really wear skirts or anything, huh?

                GIRL: (tries to point out she’s wearing shorts) Well, uh, I am wearing shorts…I mean…in

                the summer it’s better

                WOMAN: (still being an ignorant bitch) Yeah, but you’re a girl.  That’s got to suck.

So, thanks to everyone who has attempted to derail my self esteem and confidence.  You totally rock. 

Sincerely,

Me